Facing a new phase.....

..isn't easy.

So much that I have been avoiding writing.

Writing about what happens means pretty much acknowledging and therefore solving.

I have never been one to run away from things, but when the events are such as the current in our lives, stuff which I cannot change, I wasn't sure I wanted to write about it.

My daughter, you see, my precious little baby whom I nursed on the breast for almost 3 years, that little princess who liked dressing up dollies and learn to sing in the bath tub with Maria Elena Walsh, Sound of Music and Annie.... that same one who still cannot go to sleep unless I'm there to do the *tickles* (this means stroking the side of her back in a particular way), this same girl is entering the grown up world.

This a world not so different of mine when I was 13, but faster and meaner, if those are words to suit. 

(I never know, in English, you ll excuse this foreigner, but at least I try)

I don't buy the crap of the *understand your teenager* books, or the *how teenagers think* (which by the way I couldn't get pass the 15th page, and have intended to write to Jellyellie to give the kid a piece of my mind, but hey...)

There is nothing to be understood about teenagers.

The teens are a time of change, revelry, even if you have nothing to rebel against.

Time to define stuff, to make desicions on your own, to start forming your own world....which may change drastically or not in the future, but, in my honest and humble opinion, the only thing one can do about out teenage children is try to remember how it was for us.

In doing so I have been able to keep my relationship with Sarita a nice one, even though her aspiration at this time is to *fit* with a group of kids who's life consist in going every saturday to the Heath to get drunk and smoke cigarettes.

My coming into knowledge of these all, as in verbally speaking, happened when she brought a friend to spend the weekend with us. They come back not wanting dinner, and when I pass the living room and have one look at this girl, I did not need to ask, but I (ay ay, it hurt) of course, did:

"What's the matter with her? did she drink?"

""mae, everybody drunk!!!!"

"What do you mean everybody? did YOU drink?"

"maaaaaaeee, EVERYBODY drunk!!!"

so I kinda smiled, asked her what did she drink, and went over again the subject of alcoholic fathers and genetics and her father's family and having a life and not wanting to end up, well, you know the drift.

I (again) suggested that, if she HAD to drink, as to not to appear like a wimp with the kids she is trying to fit in, to ALWAYS have her own can or bottle, to just get a sip and drop it on the side..... which (thank God for that!) she confessed to have done. 

I also kept (and keep still) saying (on and on and on and on, poor kid must NOT like the sound of my voice by now) that these boys are not the ones who will be having the life she dreams of, one with sports cars and a carrier and a house with a garden and children who will be loved by both parents and whole families.....

I know she isn't into drinking or smoking as in a daily thing, I know she is driven to these by what they call *peer pressure* but, though I know she does listen to me and takes things in, I cannot avoid being a bit worried.

I try, as I said, to put myself in her shoes, to listen to what she tells me without negative criticism,I know I am lucky that she talks to me, and I remember how every time my mum forbid me to befriend this or that one girl or boy, I would go to the end of the world to make the best of friendship with said this or that girl or boy.... whom, invariably, were at least 5 or 6 years older than me, not forgetting Mariana who was 16 years my senior.....

I may be wrong, but I reckon if I know who she is with, where she is and what she is doing, I have more chances of protecting her than if I just ignore or forbid stuff which then she will be doing regardless....

My solution to all these comes in the form of keeping her busy, if she is studying, doing after school & weekend courses, she has the chance of meeting people who have ambitions in life other than getting drunk every weekend, right? 

well, that's gonna have to wait... why?

because of the one evil instrument which makes the world go round: money.

we are traveling to see the family this summer (which I'm dreading as I'm not well), so stiff will only happen when we come back. It will though.

I'm not happy with the school in general right now though.

No uniform could mean individuality in the best of ways, but when your child wakes up two and a half to 3 hours earlier to get ready,and this getting ready is more alike an American Next Top Model parade than going to school.....

This morning I cringed when I saw what she was wearing....and the make up.... you know what school said to me when I called to ask (to Sarita's insistence that every teacher saw them with make up and even the HeadMistress and none ever complained) :

"well....you see...is not NOT allowed...."

"what do mean by that?"

"it isn't written anywhere that they cannot wear make up...."

so WRITE IT then!

I'm not sure they learn that much these days either, to be honest...

but hey, worse is written now, I had to make a record of this, though I have dread the writing the words in black and white, I know is important for both of us that I do.

There is still the fact that we watch TV together, we do computer stuff together, she shows me every site she goes, tells me about every boy (or girl) she talks to.... and we ve been to see Hannah Montana's movie (yeah, call me childish, but I fricking loved it)

There is the issue of my health which I should be writing too.... suffice to say that I'm in and out of hospital again, and this week some big testing is in store....I may bring up some energy and will power to write about that too.

What I have been doing?

making books of memories for the future,by Sarita's request, we are printing them, and also all these have brought a new skill I didn't know I had, and something I maybe pursuing when we come back....

Here are the books:

I hope this works.... otherwise, you know where to go  to view them :)

Defining Happiness.....

...is something I have been constantly doing in the past couple of years.
I know I have come a long way in the 5 years since I went into an operating theatre with the (alleged) promise of a maximum 4 month recovery time and the going back to full time work, get my mobility back and then things turning souer....
I know I became a not very nice person at certain point, but I also know I was clear enough in thought to, at the very worse point of all, reach out for proffessional help.
But if I am to be totally honest, to myself and others, it was not the proffesional help alone which helped the most, as a matter of fact I can say today that it has been a simple sum of people, places, events and self critisism that got me to where I am right now, perhaps not the best of general state of mind and body, but a long, long way from the abism in which I fell after january 2003.

And it isn't because is the end of the year that I am getting these thoughts together (though one does to do so, with new year's resolutions that tend to collapse on the way), but because of something someone said today, on hearing me give Sarita a full lecture in why I would not buy her a Nintendo DS for Christmas.
And this someone, who has a daughter a year older than my child, said to me:
*Is like you are explaining to her what happiness is, like assesing that every moment can be a present if you know how to look at them...*
Well, yes.
There was also the message I got from a very dear online friend of mine, Musicjan from Scrapblog who is also a friend in Facebook now and who takes the time to come and read my posts in here...
After my DIY post, she commented on how beautiful my relationship with my daughter is, and how we should treasure something like this. *I m not saying this because of me and my daughter, she said, but because of the knowledge of so many others who do not enjoy this treasure we have*
And yes to this too.
I do know, I am 100% aware that I am lucky to be able to share, enjoy and work together my daughter.
I also keep making a point of this to her, and how lucky we are in many aspects of life.
I am, like most parents in this frantic world of ours, against a huge competitor in society.
I have been able to resist the video game thing for now...what? 5, 6 years?
And still, this year I can't, for some reason, sake a bit of a guilty feeling about stubornly saying no.
It isn't like she doesnt play games, she does. Most of her time online is spent either in messenger or some game site (though I have to admit that, to my relief, she plays dressing up dolls...)

Anyway, is already almost 4 am in London and here I am again, loosing the thread of my thoughts and what I intended to say is probably lost in the first few sentences.....
Never mind.
We have been in doors all weekend, Sarita has not been at school as she is ill with a bad cold, sore throat and what I suspect could be a chest infection, in this mean winter that does not invite to open windows....let alone get outside.

But, in discovering the good side of things, this time we came up with something great.

If you are the type of person who respects copy rights a lot, enjoys giving lots of money to the wring people (name them the enterteinment industry) stop reading now or forever hold your silence.

We watched some great movies online: no downloading,no paying, quiet good quality....which saves me the money for the energy bills I will have for this winter, taking that our place is colder now, after a council refurbishment of the buildings and the (alleged) double glazed windows, than we were before, with those good'ol' wooden made in the 50s...

So: Because I said so
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
and Wall E
saved us quiet a lot, plus the delightful August Rush, a film I did not know exist until another one of my beautiful Scrapblog friends, Roban, posted this:


Roban's August Rush
now, with this film, I had an intense online search, and unless I was to download the full movie, I could not find a way to watch it... I decided against the download, after talks with another one of these people who seem to be strategically placed in my path by some benevolent force, who had been giving me not only help with my beloved iMac, but also some serious and valuable lessons, my friend White Roses from Vox.

I was going to buy it, after all, one can avoid buying it for £15 these days as Amazon has copies for a fiver (£5) , but then another luminous idea came to me: if I was able to place requests for the Wicked and Son of a Witch books...if they had PS: I Love you in DVD just a few weeks after it came out in the shops.... (and we stupidilly paid £3.95 to Virgin to watch it on cable on demand before seeing it there) why not the local Library?
Ahhh the advantages of a mechanical world: I logged in with my library card, typed the words and Presto!
Today we went out for a brief (if still very, very cold) shopping trip and picking up one of the twins at the nursery (the other one is, yup, with a cold) and as we got the letter notifiying us the DVD was ready to collect, we enjoyed it in our flat screen TV. (and, yes, yes, I cried.)

So, back to this happiness thing: I am now convinced (and almost convinced Sarita, though I'm not sure how much of her asssurance is just to shut me up, with her being an almost teenager and all) that this Happiness thing is not something to achieve in the end of the road, but some of the moments, events, experiences that make that road.
We only need the ability to see them, therefore enjoy them to the fullest.

And I can even say I am looking forward to this Christmas, so, yes, I have come a long way, even if only thinking from last year to this one.....
I proposed to Sarita that, in lieu of the Nintendo Ds (the offer she wants is £114.99), we put together Xmas and her birthday's (in febrary) presents, and have a week somewhere in Europe, as she so much wants to go to Greece or Turkey....
Am I wrong on this one?
I know most of you guys are high tech and see no harm in surrounding your kids with all kind of virtual toys....and I don't think you are wrong, no, it is just that I see her loosing interest in lots of things she would enjoy, turning into another one of the herd....and I so, so much value and prioratize individuals....
I have had some chats with her lately which should turn into another post, about how she feels weird because most of her friends know what they want to do in college and she, at this point, doesn't....
Anyway, (again!) I'm loosing the plot.

I'm still reading about Ken's (Russell) phallic deliriums in film, (material for another entire chapter), so, if anyone knows if The Devils is available online, let me know, please :) The Birtish TV had this week a program about the 60's called Sex, Drugs and Rick and Roll, and the advert was that, if you remember the 60s, you weren't really there....and this being so true, I'm sure, especially now that I speak English, the film will have a whole new meaning for me....

I promise also all my neighbors and friends that I will make some time to catch up with your blogs and Scrapblogs...as you, all the beautiful people of my online world, are one of the big time key elements in my having a much better time in life.
I think of many of you very often, see you in characters on TV, books and films....you all have made my world a much better one.