Exhaustion......

...may be a small word to describe the way I feel right now.

I was out from 9:30 am until after 19:00 hs.
Most of those hours (with due stops at the shops and banks and what have you) driving.
Most of that driving I had Betty's twins (3 years old and full of beans) in the back seat.
And, of course, Betty herself in the passenger seat.
I'm not sure who I need more energy for: the twins or the mum, but anyway.
My physiotherapist wont be so happy, as she insist I should not do stuff this way, but reality is a bitch of a life, and it was either today or never.
I did buy Sarita some Xmas pressies (which I will not write here as she will, of course, find her way to read)
I also managed to get my saved money for a Xmas present for ME.
Yup.

One thing strikes in London streets though: The complete, absolute absence of the festivity feeling.....
what a shame......
Maybe because *he* is in Rio giving it all to the poor Cariocas who ll have to confront a difficult one?
They say, after all, That God is Brazilian :)



Picture taken by Yours Trully,
this is the Statue of Christ The Redeemer, top of the Corcovado Mountain, Floresta da Tijuca, Rio de Janeiro....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSgvvbCQq9c

(not sure if it ll work) How do I post a YouTube video here??????? helpppppppppp ppppplease!!!!!

Enjoy, my beautiful, beautiful Rio....


I'll be back, though maybe not so soon.
Merry [ insert-the-name-of-your-festivity-here]
to you all :)

Defining Happiness.....

...is something I have been constantly doing in the past couple of years.
I know I have come a long way in the 5 years since I went into an operating theatre with the (alleged) promise of a maximum 4 month recovery time and the going back to full time work, get my mobility back and then things turning souer....
I know I became a not very nice person at certain point, but I also know I was clear enough in thought to, at the very worse point of all, reach out for proffessional help.
But if I am to be totally honest, to myself and others, it was not the proffesional help alone which helped the most, as a matter of fact I can say today that it has been a simple sum of people, places, events and self critisism that got me to where I am right now, perhaps not the best of general state of mind and body, but a long, long way from the abism in which I fell after january 2003.

And it isn't because is the end of the year that I am getting these thoughts together (though one does to do so, with new year's resolutions that tend to collapse on the way), but because of something someone said today, on hearing me give Sarita a full lecture in why I would not buy her a Nintendo DS for Christmas.
And this someone, who has a daughter a year older than my child, said to me:
*Is like you are explaining to her what happiness is, like assesing that every moment can be a present if you know how to look at them...*
Well, yes.
There was also the message I got from a very dear online friend of mine, Musicjan from Scrapblog who is also a friend in Facebook now and who takes the time to come and read my posts in here...
After my DIY post, she commented on how beautiful my relationship with my daughter is, and how we should treasure something like this. *I m not saying this because of me and my daughter, she said, but because of the knowledge of so many others who do not enjoy this treasure we have*
And yes to this too.
I do know, I am 100% aware that I am lucky to be able to share, enjoy and work together my daughter.
I also keep making a point of this to her, and how lucky we are in many aspects of life.
I am, like most parents in this frantic world of ours, against a huge competitor in society.
I have been able to resist the video game thing for now...what? 5, 6 years?
And still, this year I can't, for some reason, sake a bit of a guilty feeling about stubornly saying no.
It isn't like she doesnt play games, she does. Most of her time online is spent either in messenger or some game site (though I have to admit that, to my relief, she plays dressing up dolls...)

Anyway, is already almost 4 am in London and here I am again, loosing the thread of my thoughts and what I intended to say is probably lost in the first few sentences.....
Never mind.
We have been in doors all weekend, Sarita has not been at school as she is ill with a bad cold, sore throat and what I suspect could be a chest infection, in this mean winter that does not invite to open windows....let alone get outside.

But, in discovering the good side of things, this time we came up with something great.

If you are the type of person who respects copy rights a lot, enjoys giving lots of money to the wring people (name them the enterteinment industry) stop reading now or forever hold your silence.

We watched some great movies online: no downloading,no paying, quiet good quality....which saves me the money for the energy bills I will have for this winter, taking that our place is colder now, after a council refurbishment of the buildings and the (alleged) double glazed windows, than we were before, with those good'ol' wooden made in the 50s...

So: Because I said so
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
and Wall E
saved us quiet a lot, plus the delightful August Rush, a film I did not know exist until another one of my beautiful Scrapblog friends, Roban, posted this:


Roban's August Rush
now, with this film, I had an intense online search, and unless I was to download the full movie, I could not find a way to watch it... I decided against the download, after talks with another one of these people who seem to be strategically placed in my path by some benevolent force, who had been giving me not only help with my beloved iMac, but also some serious and valuable lessons, my friend White Roses from Vox.

I was going to buy it, after all, one can avoid buying it for £15 these days as Amazon has copies for a fiver (£5) , but then another luminous idea came to me: if I was able to place requests for the Wicked and Son of a Witch books...if they had PS: I Love you in DVD just a few weeks after it came out in the shops.... (and we stupidilly paid £3.95 to Virgin to watch it on cable on demand before seeing it there) why not the local Library?
Ahhh the advantages of a mechanical world: I logged in with my library card, typed the words and Presto!
Today we went out for a brief (if still very, very cold) shopping trip and picking up one of the twins at the nursery (the other one is, yup, with a cold) and as we got the letter notifiying us the DVD was ready to collect, we enjoyed it in our flat screen TV. (and, yes, yes, I cried.)

So, back to this happiness thing: I am now convinced (and almost convinced Sarita, though I'm not sure how much of her asssurance is just to shut me up, with her being an almost teenager and all) that this Happiness thing is not something to achieve in the end of the road, but some of the moments, events, experiences that make that road.
We only need the ability to see them, therefore enjoy them to the fullest.

And I can even say I am looking forward to this Christmas, so, yes, I have come a long way, even if only thinking from last year to this one.....
I proposed to Sarita that, in lieu of the Nintendo Ds (the offer she wants is £114.99), we put together Xmas and her birthday's (in febrary) presents, and have a week somewhere in Europe, as she so much wants to go to Greece or Turkey....
Am I wrong on this one?
I know most of you guys are high tech and see no harm in surrounding your kids with all kind of virtual toys....and I don't think you are wrong, no, it is just that I see her loosing interest in lots of things she would enjoy, turning into another one of the herd....and I so, so much value and prioratize individuals....
I have had some chats with her lately which should turn into another post, about how she feels weird because most of her friends know what they want to do in college and she, at this point, doesn't....
Anyway, (again!) I'm loosing the plot.

I'm still reading about Ken's (Russell) phallic deliriums in film, (material for another entire chapter), so, if anyone knows if The Devils is available online, let me know, please :) The Birtish TV had this week a program about the 60's called Sex, Drugs and Rick and Roll, and the advert was that, if you remember the 60s, you weren't really there....and this being so true, I'm sure, especially now that I speak English, the film will have a whole new meaning for me....

I promise also all my neighbors and friends that I will make some time to catch up with your blogs and Scrapblogs...as you, all the beautiful people of my online world, are one of the big time key elements in my having a much better time in life.
I think of many of you very often, see you in characters on TV, books and films....you all have made my world a much better one.

All I want for Christmas is.....

...a new body. A healthy one. A functional one.

Mine is giving me a very, very hard time these past few days.
I know, I'm borderline delirium, not to worry, to dream is free, innit?
But seriously: I try to apply the Simple Abundance thing, the half full glass thing, the cloud and silver lining thing.
I try to think of people who are far, far worth than me, which, at times, works, like all of the above.

As a matter of fact, if I look back in time, one of the biggest life lessons my dad gave us was that:
*Life is a staircase: there will always be people a few steps up from where you are: look at them as an inspiration, an incentive for your goals, instead of feelings of jealousy or envy. There will always be people a few steps down from where you are: look at them as a reminder of how far you have come, a reminder that you still can, and how lucky you are to be able to keep on climbing. Then carry one your battles.

To this and other similar words of encouragement, including my mum telling us, when we complained about some food or another, how many children in Biafra had nothing to eat....
we would reply something like : Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
which translates more or less into, something bad happening to a lot of people, consolation for the dumb...
(it does not sound as good in English, but I'm sure you guys have something that adapts)
then we (my brother and I) moved on, learned that my parents are actually not the pain in the butt we thought they were, but actually very, very wise people, who not only gave us a good education with a (very) good measure of discipline, but also full of beautiful (if at times a bit asphyxiating) love.

So: I know they were (are) right, so the though at this very moment would have to be:
* At least I'm not full time in a wheelchair, at least I have a (half mashed but) functional brain, at least I am in a country that supports me, keeps me with a (very!) comfortable life....*
and the list could carry on, I know I have a lot of *at leasts*....
but now, today, this very morning after I have spent most of the night awake with excruciating pain in every particle of my being, all these turns into philosophical fezzes..

I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to be far away from my family and most of my life time (or event recently made, as you are all spread around the globe) friends.
I don't want to have to struggle with the concept of another Christmas reminding me of how a loving, caring, intelligent, marvelous man can turn into the most harmful person in my daughter's life, thanks to the abuse of alcohol (and other substances, lets be honest here).
I don't want to think how horribly selfish some people are (name them my ex in laws)
I don't want to have to be reminded that there are a few people in this world who do not love my child. (name as above)

I know most of the world is worrying about keeping their jobs, their houses and even their fridges with some food on.
I know here in the UK there are people who are struggling to pay their energy bills (I'm one of them but then again, I have just made some big time purchases so I should not be moaning on this one)
I know the ozone layer has a big hole.
I know most of the world (unlike little me) does not recycle.
I know, believe you me, that there are far extreme cases than mine.

I need not be reminded.

But after a night like I've just gone through, I reckon I'm allowed to be (just a little bit) selfish.
Which if you think about it from my perspective, is not all that selfish, as my almost only reason for not wanting all these is to be there for my child, to be able to give her a good, happy life. But hey, think whatever you want to think.
I'm not looking for sympathy here, I'm just trying to get all these down into words, because I know it always feels better after,then I can move on, get on with my day.

And guess what: I already feel better, thinking about that, a few weeks ago, after a night as dreadful as this last one, I couldn't have written this, because I would not be able to sit at our PC long enough to wait for it to start, much less think and put something that would make sense into words...

anger management...

...when I can't get the computer to do wat I want it to do.
why is technology something so simple at times, so ennerving at others?
note to selfsuccesfully saved the Scrapblog button + the slide show
now I can't find the customize button no more?

enjoying iMac....

...with a passion.
only I wish the day had another 24 hours, and that my body could take a bit more action.
something else that makes me happy is that I'm able to read some of the most amazing girls from Scrapblog here.
It is so late now that my brain does not want to work propery, but ...
tomorrow (or later?)
:)

Books to read....

...I have most of my time in London got from library.

That is until I found Vox.com, started blogging there, an adopted Londoner in the midst of an ocean of North Americans.....and in here you ll have to excuse me, but as I am a South American, I can not, with all the love I have for you guys and your country (whihc Sarita keep telling me is the right one to be...), call you simply *Americans*.

But anyway, back to the point: I met these amazing people and, after reading page after page of a few of them, I realized they were publishing a book.

So I, who have had this policy of not spending money in something you can get for free, got online and bought them. Two of them.

And that's the reason I'm here right now.

These two people, in different coasts of the USA, one a woman, the other a man, different as different can be, yet, so alike in the point of bringing some beautiful emotions to your heart and mind, these two have conquer my heart with their books.

So I thought I tell you, who are my Friends from other areas of my computer, still in the same country as these two.... it would be a shame if you missed these books.

So, here they are:

Harlot's Sauce , by Patricia Volonakis Davis ; 

and Snapshots from St. Arbucks, by R.G. Ryan.

I'm sure you ll find reviews around, and they all are great.

I need to get on with my college work right now as tomorrow I have a class, but I couldn't go without posting this....

Hope you get them and enjoy them as much as I did :)