Tuesday, 25 November 2008

All I want for Christmas is.....

...a new body. A healthy one. A functional one.

Mine is giving me a very, very hard time these past few days.
I know, I'm borderline delirium, not to worry, to dream is free, innit?
But seriously: I try to apply the Simple Abundance thing, the half full glass thing, the cloud and silver lining thing.
I try to think of people who are far, far worth than me, which, at times, works, like all of the above.

As a matter of fact, if I look back in time, one of the biggest life lessons my dad gave us was that:
*Life is a staircase: there will always be people a few steps up from where you are: look at them as an inspiration, an incentive for your goals, instead of feelings of jealousy or envy. There will always be people a few steps down from where you are: look at them as a reminder of how far you have come, a reminder that you still can, and how lucky you are to be able to keep on climbing. Then carry one your battles.

To this and other similar words of encouragement, including my mum telling us, when we complained about some food or another, how many children in Biafra had nothing to eat....
we would reply something like : Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
which translates more or less into, something bad happening to a lot of people, consolation for the dumb...
(it does not sound as good in English, but I'm sure you guys have something that adapts)
then we (my brother and I) moved on, learned that my parents are actually not the pain in the butt we thought they were, but actually very, very wise people, who not only gave us a good education with a (very) good measure of discipline, but also full of beautiful (if at times a bit asphyxiating) love.

So: I know they were (are) right, so the though at this very moment would have to be:
* At least I'm not full time in a wheelchair, at least I have a (half mashed but) functional brain, at least I am in a country that supports me, keeps me with a (very!) comfortable life....*
and the list could carry on, I know I have a lot of *at leasts*....
but now, today, this very morning after I have spent most of the night awake with excruciating pain in every particle of my being, all these turns into philosophical fezzes..

I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to be far away from my family and most of my life time (or event recently made, as you are all spread around the globe) friends.
I don't want to have to struggle with the concept of another Christmas reminding me of how a loving, caring, intelligent, marvelous man can turn into the most harmful person in my daughter's life, thanks to the abuse of alcohol (and other substances, lets be honest here).
I don't want to think how horribly selfish some people are (name them my ex in laws)
I don't want to have to be reminded that there are a few people in this world who do not love my child. (name as above)

I know most of the world is worrying about keeping their jobs, their houses and even their fridges with some food on.
I know here in the UK there are people who are struggling to pay their energy bills (I'm one of them but then again, I have just made some big time purchases so I should not be moaning on this one)
I know the ozone layer has a big hole.
I know most of the world (unlike little me) does not recycle.
I know, believe you me, that there are far extreme cases than mine.

I need not be reminded.

But after a night like I've just gone through, I reckon I'm allowed to be (just a little bit) selfish.
Which if you think about it from my perspective, is not all that selfish, as my almost only reason for not wanting all these is to be there for my child, to be able to give her a good, happy life. But hey, think whatever you want to think.
I'm not looking for sympathy here, I'm just trying to get all these down into words, because I know it always feels better after,then I can move on, get on with my day.

And guess what: I already feel better, thinking about that, a few weeks ago, after a night as dreadful as this last one, I couldn't have written this, because I would not be able to sit at our PC long enough to wait for it to start, much less think and put something that would make sense into words...


Octamom said...

You're here, you're here, you're here!!! Hurray! I tried signing up on Vox a few month ago so I could keep up with you there, but had issues getting signed in--so I am thrilled to 'see' you!

So sorry that you've been having so much pain. Praying, praying for you.


Fly Girl said...

I could feel your words cleansing your feelings a bit as you put them on paper (computer screen at least). Writing is very cathartic, even if it can't change our circumstances, it does give us some power over them.

You are an amazing person who goes into battle each day with a determination of spirit that is felt across the globe.

I hope your pain lessens and that you can enjoy some wonderful moments at home with Sarita (and with us of course on the Internet).

Your father's quote about the staircase is a wonderful one that I need to remember, too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!


la china said...

cyn aunque no lo creas recien caigo, me va a llevar un rato leer en inglès y como veràs ser pisciana es todo un tema, me quedè un raaaaaaaato mirando la foto de la nena en mi blog y me decia pero yo he visto esa cara ok vi que decìs algo de ser border bueno en eso no te dejarè sola jjjjjjjjajajajaja cariñoussss tranqui con el tiempo me voy a poner re pilla en esto del blog pero no te reconocì algo me decìa... jajajaj ok besos